The bus trip would end up being one big exposure response prevention (ERP,) a behavioral therapy that has one exposing oneself to the very fears that crippled them.
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I thought I was keeping myself and those I love safe by remaining hypervigilant. I was wrong. My two biggest fears, the ones that cause the most intrusive obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) thoughts, are being away from my girls and flying. Last month, I officially took a deep breath and did both.
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There’s no judgment in the way we choose to live here because all of us have jumped the wall from what is considered the American dream with the white picket fence—with two cars in the garage to actually living our real dream of being free.
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“Do you know that Mommy experiences them (bad thoughts), too?” She nods yes. “Your sister does, too. So many people do. And there’s ways we can teach our brain how to deal with them. Did you know that?”
“No.” She says.
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Those of us struggling with mental health deal with many barriers against getting the help we deserve, e.g., cost, finding a doctor who actually specializes in mental illness (yes, those struggling with physical illness can experience, too.) But, for those of us with mental illness, even when we do find the help we need, that is not as readily available as those with physical illness, we also deal with the shame that comes along with needing the help in the first place.
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I’ve been telling myself that when our family finally gets on the bus, then… THEN, I’ll stop and connect more with my surroundings and live in the spirit of wide wonder. However, I’ve been noticing more often that it’s easier for me to push living in the moment to the side as though completing a to-do list has a higher pay off than participating in life. It doesn’t matter how much I actually have to do. Planning a large-scale American tour or cleaning the bathroom carry the same amount of weight in my mind.
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After a few minutes the driver speaks. “What’s anxiety?”
I think about it for a moment. “Well, for me, when I’m experiencing it, it feels like a constant motor running within. When I’m anxious, my fear dictates everything. It feels like I am waiting for something really bad to happen, even if there is no real danger in sight. You know?”
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